I’m going to disappoint you, but you knew that already. I don’t know why you even bothered to place a modicum of trust in me, you monster. You bedazzled me with Wanda, but there’s nothing even fairly magical about you. You’re nothing but a grouch. Oscar. I bet you have one too. You let me believe I was special, and so swift, you Taylor made my wildest dreams and in ultra HD, I watched them and thought they were real. That’s how you made me feel. Like I could do anything if I just put my mind to it. You sprung out a web and told me it was a ladder. ‘Climb,’ you said. ‘Go for your happily ever after.’ And I got trapped the second I tried to step up; I thought I was elevating but I was really just dancing in a spiral. And then came the spiders, man, springing up on me from out of nowhere. I marvelled at how you came to rescue me, and thereby securing my trust. I was bought. Receipts and everything. I won’t retail the story because you know it well now. You remember how you strung me up and had me eating poison out of your palm. Killing me softly with you song. Many miles from home, I could have as well been a refugee too. You took advantage of my situation and you promised that the life on the other side would be so much brighter, so I should at least try. Try to make it there. But you knew I was doomed from the offing. Vulnerable, naked, rotting all around me. Stripped down of all dignity pride, but with such an appealing future lying ahead. I almost made it too. I could just see the shore; last seconds of the match with the Hail Mary to shoot. ‘Shoot! Shoot! Score!’ ‘I got you coach!’ And with the buzzer sounded, the ball bouncing on the floor, after rounding the rim twice, and then falling through on the wrong side of the hoop, there was nothing more I could do. Sure, I’m going to disappoint you, but you knew that already, so let me finish what I have to say. This is for everyone you ever cheated, deceived. This is for everyone you ever made believe. You’re such a beautiful liar, and I have no idea what you’ll Bey once you’ve broken up my destiny. But you won’t break anyone else’s. By the time you’re reading this, you’ll be helpless. It’s going to be in every paper being read. And while my writing your wrongs may not accomplish as much as I would have hoped, I’ll take as much damage as it can do. I’m going to disappoint you, but you knew that already, Bettie. How could you not? You plotted, planned and mapped out my fail. I failed, it’s true, but now, the whole world knows the truth. Accept it. I’m going to disappoint you, but just not in the way you expected.
P.S Good luck ruining anyone else’s life.
There isn’t that much time left. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, so I have to reach the editor’s office tonight. Anything can happen in the next twenty four hours, and it will be too big a risk to find out if I can last that long. I grab my coat, lock up my messy apartment, grab my scooter and ride out, speeding through the grey, pouring rain, down a couple of blocks and I eventually make it to the Readefinition Press building. It’s a humble one, but they are probably the only people who won’t turn me away. After haggling with the security detail, I make it in and go straight to Joan Flemm’s office. She told me if I had something good, she would definitely put it through. The lights in the room are on. I knock on the door, barely able to keep my knuckles from crumbling apart.
I try four more times and eventually attempt to force the door open, becoming more desperate with each shove.
Joan Flemm isn’t here.
Blood starts draining from my head as my vision goes black on the edges. Trying to stay conscious, I lean back against the door and slide down until I’m seated on the floor. It’s all over now. I’m done for.
[Photo by Dylan Passmore]